They are gorgeous, fun and you love being with them but there is a nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. But of course you ignore it as they are very cute and you keep on seeing them.
Then reality hits, this person isn’t who you thought they were, the cracks in your perfect partner start to appear and you find yourself back in the same painful type of relationship pattern yet again.
Why didn’t you see this coming?
Why do you attract the same sort of partner?
Here are 3 steps to help you choose the right partner.
1. They are gorgeous yes! Now stop, take a breath, pause and think what else attracts you to this person?
Look at your past track record of dating and write down your ex-partners names down the page and beside each name write down what you liked and didn’t like about each of them.
Here are some examples:
Ashley – strong, confident, maybe a little arrogant, put me down a lot and controlling.
Jesse – powerful, fun, wild, but liked to know where I was all the time
Alex – energised, intelligent, called me their little girl and liked to take care of me, organised everything, I started to feel smothered.
When you have completed your list, circle what is in the common link between each person that keeps appearing?
What is it you are being attracted to? Write it down.
Often we become drawn to what we are familiar with and don’t listen to those annoying messages (like discomfort or edginess in heart or belly) trying to warn us to stop and think.
2. What about you? What do you want in a relationship?
Sometimes it helps to be clear about what you believe are essential qualities your partner should have in order for you to develop a rewarding relationship with them. These are your core values. Write them down, be honest.
Trustworthiness, being able to be open and honest in their conversations? What is important to you?
3. Take a breath and breathe deeply into your body and see if you can sense what is driving you to choose these partners.?
What are you telling yourself?
What is it you feel you need?
Are you concerned you will be alone?
Do you want someone to take care of you, a bit like being daddy’s little girl?
Do you want to care of or fix someone else, rather than look at your stuff?
Do you put yourself down and assume you don’t deserve any better?
Be honest with yourself and start looking at what drives your choices.
Take the time for you to explore what’s happening. Only then can you consciously make more positive choices instead of falling blindly into another unhealthy relationship.
Take this time for yourself. You are worth it!
Don’t rush, you have plenty of time. Rushing only creates more problems and distress.
As you change, so will your relationships with others.
I hope you find these ideas helpful.
Amaya Rei from Beyond Words Holistic Counselling
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